TV Review Time: Love, Death, and Robots

Hello all you questionably clothed women and burly aggro men! Welcome back to our blog. I know we’ve been away for a while but GET OFF MY CASE ABOUT IT LIFE HAPPENS OKAY!
Anyway I’m here today to talk to you about a new anthology from Netflix called Love Death and Robots. There are 18 episodes so buckle up cus this is gonna be a long one!

Being a fan of “genre fiction” can be exhausting, particularly when it comes to sci-fi. Often times it means believing two things simultaneously: “this is beautiful” and “this is bullshit.” See, science fiction has a boy’s club problem. For a long long time sci-fi was considered to be the exclusive realm of men. This happened in the same way it has happened with many other “nerdy” pleasures; a suffocating wall of gate-keepers that release male-gazey and misogynistic shit pretty much exclusively and then decided that that’s the only thing that sells because it’s the only thing they would sell. Sci-fi has had many brilliant artists that create breathtaking works about humanity, reality, and what it means to be alive…that nevertheless portray women with an almost gleeful disdain.

There has, in recent times, been a concerted effort to push back against this trend. Netflix’s new anthology Love, Death, and Robots…does not. Created by Tim Miller and David Fincher from the ashes of their long dormant resurrection of Heavy Metal, the series is a retrograde love letter to sci-fi’s past. Full of equal part’s beauty, brutality, and hyper-sexualization of almost every woman on screen, the series is a fun and often frustrating watch. If you’ve ever seen Heavy Metal or read the magazine on which it was based then you know what you’re getting into here. If you haven’t well…be prepared for lots of boobs. Continue reading “TV Review Time: Love, Death, and Robots”

Review the Walking Dead: Ep 3 – Tell It to the Frogs

Hello all you more sympathetic siblings of terrible racists and welcome back to the feature I’m doing specifically for my mom even though she doesn’t read any of these! We’re halfway through the first season and things are…well not heating up but stuff has definitely happened. In this episode families are reunited, friends quarrel, and the Punisher finally lives up to his name. And we’re introduced to one of the fan-favorite characters of the show: Daryl. Let’s dive right in! Continue reading “Review the Walking Dead: Ep 3 – Tell It to the Frogs”

Review The Walking Dead: Ep 2 – Guts

Hello all you viscera covered DEGENERATES and welcome back to Review The Walking Dead, the recurring feature I’m doing specifically for my mom so she’ll get off my case! In this episode Rick gets a group of people into a deadly situation and then has to get them out. Somehow Rick will wind up becoming the leader of everyone in this show despite his credentials so far being killing a horse and crying in a tank. It’s a fair pickle ol’ Ricky G has found himself in, but there was hope in the form of a mysterious voice over the radio that they’re somehow using. Is it really that easy to communicate over a military radio? Would the radio still be on? How does any of this work anyway? We’ll join Rick in a moment but first we check in on the survivor camp. Continue reading “Review The Walking Dead: Ep 2 – Guts”

Review The Walking Dead: Ep. 1 – Days Gone Bye

Hello all you questionably accented Sheriffs and welcome to something I will surely come to regret! As you may or may not know, I was recapping Game of Thrones a while back. I do intend to get back to that at some point but it might not be until after the final season. Why, you ask? Well first of all because I really really really didn’t want to watch the Dorne story again, and secondly because this is my blog and I can do what I want. You people don’t pay me GET OFF MY CASE. But also, my mom has been pestering me to watch The Walking Dead for about 6 years now and I decided to finally give in to her demands. Pray for me.

So here’s what you need to know about me. I don’t like zombies. I find them neither scary nor interesting and almost every zombie movie plays out exactly the same way. Night of the Living Dead is good because it’s the original. Dawn of the Dead really cemented George Romero’s place in the horror canon and showcased his clever use of metaphor. Hell even the remake is kind of fun. Return of the Living Dead is a fun subversion of zombie movies and introduced their love of brains into the culture’s collective psyche. And that’s about all I need. With the exception of an occasionally clever entry into zombie canon (hello Pontypool!) the genre just doesn’t do it for me. So The Walking Dead was something I was okay with skipping. But then my mom guilt tripped me enough to force my hand. And here we are. Let’s begin! Continue reading “Review The Walking Dead: Ep. 1 – Days Gone Bye”

Rewind the Realm: Season 2, “The North Remembers”

Hello all you bastards stabbed at your mother’s breasts, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! I took a bit of a hiatus due to the emotional fallout of Avengers: Infinity War, but I’m back for more psychological trauma! Why do so many of the things I enjoy cause me such pain? No time for evaluation, I have a show to talk about. Let’s Go!

Robb of War 3: Robb, with a Vengeance

Robb whips his big floppy dick out in front of the captive Jaime Lannister and dares him to suck it. Jaime tries to act cool but you can tell he’s impressed. He reveals that he received Stannis’s letter about all the gross incest he and Cersei have been up to and deduces that this is why Bran was pushed and Ned was killed. Then he monologues about his plans for getting Sansa and Arya back and gaining Northern Independence by using Jaime as a bargaining chip. Then he lets Grey Wind get real close to biting off Jaime’s face. It’s a baller move and even Jaime respects it.

Then he decides to trust Theon despite Theon looking the way he does, and sends him to treat with his father Balon. Then he tells Cat to go treat with that vile traitor Renly to negotiate an alliance. Cat tells him he’s doin good but not to trust Balon. We the audience know just how correct she is. Tears are shed for future tragedy.

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The face of a man who can tooootally be trusted

On Dragonstone

We’re fiiiiiiiinally introduced to Iron Man himself, Stannis Baratheon and his red witch Melisandre. More importantly we’re introduced to the suavest man in the West, Davos Seaworth.

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Don’t mind me, I’m just bein’ sexy

Stannis, being a curmudgeonly old bastard is curmudgeoning all over the place about life. He’s pissed off cus he’s the rightful king and nobody will accept him as such. He writes the letters about Lannicestgate and sends them out to everyone in the kingdom, inadvertently coining the term “spilling the tea.” Then he refuses to seek an alliance with Robb or Renly, despite the obvious advantages of doing so. Davos tries to talk him straight but he won’t listen. See: curmudgeoning.

Instead, he lets Melisandre burn all the statues of the Seven on the island and then burn a bunch of loyalists alive. Cus…strategy? Stannis isn’t really good at this whole king thing.

Stannis’s Maester Cressen doesn’t like Melly Sandy for obvious reasons and tries to poison her. But she drinks that poison like the bad bitch she is and doesn’t even flinch. Cressen poisons himself and dies. Melly pours one out for him and goes about her business. Like. A. Boss. I may not agree with or like Melisandre, but the witch is fabulous and she knows it. Respect.

Melly’s presence is here to let us know that just because dragons can kill White Walkers, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a better alternative. Fire kills as easily as ice.

Various Locations That Don’t Warrant Their Own Section

Bran has a dream about being a wolf and goes to the Godswood with Osha. Osha tries to ask about his dreams but he’s all sulky. They see the red comet in the sky and Bran says some people say it’s an omen for victory for Robb. Somehow Osha knows it means dragons are back. This is never explored again.

Beyond the Wall, the Night’s Watch stop at Craster’s Disgusting Incest House. He mocks Jon in ways that seem like foreshadowing but really aren’t. Jeor tells Jon to stay cool cus that’s what leaders do.

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Icky!

In Essos Dany is leading the remainder of her Khalasar across the Red Wastes, Moses style. Horses are dying, people are dying, the dragons refuse to eat meat. Everything’s bad. She sends three Blood Riders in different directions to search for refuge. Jorah stares at Dany a lot and it’s reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal creepy.

The Reign of Joffrey the Cruel

Joffrey kicks off his reign in style by ordering the execution of a drunk knight at his nameday celebration. Sansa, being way better at diplomacy than so many people give her credit for, convinces him to spare his life and make him a fool instead. The Hound swoops in with an assist to make it happen, but it’s all because Sansa was smart and bold at just the right time. I will fight anyone who wants to talk shit about Sansa.

 

Anyway Tyrion arrives with the letter declaring him Hand of the King and Cersei shits her pants on the spot. He placates her by saying he’ll only be advising, then proceeds to unleash a sick burn when he finds out that she let Arya slip away, all but blaming her if Jaime dies.

Joffrey then confronts Cersei about Stannis’s letter cus even Joffrey is grossed out by incest. Then he has all of Robert’s bastards murdered, even the babies. It never outright says who ordered them to be killed. But we all know. The City Watch finds out that one bastard escaped with Yoren and is headed to the Wall. They find this out by torturing Tobho Mott. Literally the only smith capable of working on Valyrian Steel. In the World.

This doesn’t happen in the book because nobody would be stupid enough to torture the only smith capable of fixing your magic swords. Joffrey is not off to a good start.

And so Season 2 begins! I’m not doing the body count for this episode because it’s too depressing. I’m already depressed from Infinity War and YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. The show is still compelling, Stannis hasn’t yet been ruined, Robb is runnin’ things. Life’s good for now. I’m sure it’ll stay that way forever. See ya next week!

Probably.

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Baelor”

Hello all you nameless soldiers in an endless war and welcome back to Recap the Realm! We’re at episode 9, an episode number that never bodes well in this show, as we’ll come to find. This tends to be where the BIG DRAMATIC EVENT of the seasons occurs and it all started here with perhaps the BIGGEST DRAMATIC EVENT of the show’s entire run. Also this is when my Body Count Tracker of Ultimate Sadness ™ is going to become very difficult to update! So that’ll be fun.

Let’s go!

At the Lannister Camp

Tyrion (correctly) assumes that Tywin is trying to get him killed by putting him and the hill tribes in the vanguard. There’s a tactical reason for Tywin’s decision here but it’s still a flimsy justification for him trying to get rid of Tyrion. Tywin’s so dumb. I don’t understand everyone in Westeros considers him such a tactical genius. He’s basically just Zapp Brannigan, sending endless waves of soldiers to die until his enemies are too overwhelmed by dead bodies to fight. Fuck Tywin. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Baelor””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “A Golden Crown”

Hello you BLOODY SAVAGES and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! Shit’s gettin’ good guys. I often forget how much I love the earlier seasons of this show and I’m worried how that’s going to affect my view of the later seasons when I watch them in such close proximity. No time to worry about that now though cus we have shit to do!

In the Eyrie

Tyrion wakes up in the sky cell, having almost fallen to his death. He’s cross, as one might expect. Those sky cells are fucked up. But I can’t help but wish I could spend like a night or two in one, just in case the stress and possibility of death would grant me superpowers. As tends to happen. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “A Golden Crown””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Wolf and the Lion”

Hello all you Hill Tribesman, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! There’s tons of excitement to be found this week as we have duels and dicks and dastardly schemes galore! Remember last week when I said episode 5 is usually a climax? Well, we’ve got a big one this week as Ned and Jaime finally throw down, Varys and Littlefinger flirt, and #dickwatch finally bears (disgusting) fruit!


In Winterfell

Bran is doing some lessons with Maester Luwin while they watch Theon practice archery which seems…cruel. Luwin knows how much Bran wants to be a knight; why would he make him watch people practice knightly things? He should know Bran’s gonna be distracted, especially cus he’s already moody about Catelyn leaving. Yeah, Luwin eventually says Bran can learn horseback archery like the the Dothraki, but he lets him suffer for a long time before that. And Theon’s bein gross and talking about his “lovemaking” skills in front of Bran. Shut up Theon. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Wolf and the Lion””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things”

Hello all you simpering princes in a far-off land, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! Due to circumstances both foreseen and unforeseen, I had to put this series on hold for a few weeks. But don’t worry, it was for good reason. We got a puppy! She’s adorable and everyone loves her, especially you! But I’m back and ready to run this show into the ground! In this episode: Ned plays Sam Spade some more, Arya smiles for the last time in her poor life, Sansa fails to grasp how much she needs her family, Viserys gets his ass kicked, and Sam just…oh Sam. Let’s do this! Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things””

Rewind the Realm: Game of Thrones, Season 1, “The Kingsroad”

Hello all you slimy catspaws with sloppy footwork and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’re doin it weekly here so don’t expect a fancy introduction every time. I am only a single man and can’t do miracles! Not yet anyway. The dragons haven’t been born and the old powers are still sleeping.

Episode 2 start with Dany and co. traveling across the Dothraki sea. Dany’s having trouble riding on horseback for so long and Jorah comes to comfort her. Immediately he calls her “child.” Jorah is gross. He already has a big ol’ herection for Dany probably, considering the way he looks at her in this scene and the fact that his next bit of advice is about how fucking totally gets easier. He might as well have said “especially with some practice” and waggled his eyebrows at her cus he won’t stop looking at her chest. You’re gross Jorah. Don’t mansplain away Dany’s aversion to being raped. Because that’s what’s happening right now. I’ll get to that in a bit.

Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Game of Thrones, Season 1, “The Kingsroad””