Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Fire and Blood”

Hello all you psychic projections of your dead parent’s ghosts and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’ve made it to the end of Season 1 somehow, though Ned’s death still stings. And always will. The final episode of the seasons always have a delicate balance to maintain. They have to push the story forward just enough to be satisfying, but also hold back enough to make people want to see the next season. That’s not really a problem for this season of course because this season ends with MOTHERFUGGIN DRAGONS! Nothin’ gets a fantasy fan frothy quite like dragons! But we’ll get to that. We have other stuff to cover first.

In Winterfell

Psychic boy Bran has a dream about his dead ass dad and has Osha carry him down into the crypts. They find other psychic boy Rickon down there already with Shaggydog because he also had a dream about Ned. Then they find out Ned died. And nobody ever brings up the fact that they’re obviously psychic again. Maester Luwin is a putz. But he’s got serious eyebrow game.

luwinbrow
You know it bisch

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Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Baelor”

Hello all you nameless soldiers in an endless war and welcome back to Recap the Realm! We’re at episode 9, an episode number that never bodes well in this show, as we’ll come to find. This tends to be where the BIG DRAMATIC EVENT of the seasons occurs and it all started here with perhaps the BIGGEST DRAMATIC EVENT of the show’s entire run. Also this is when my Body Count Tracker of Ultimate Sadness ™ is going to become very difficult to update! So that’ll be fun.

Let’s go!

At the Lannister Camp

Tyrion (correctly) assumes that Tywin is trying to get him killed by putting him and the hill tribes in the vanguard. There’s a tactical reason for Tywin’s decision here but it’s still a flimsy justification for him trying to get rid of Tyrion. Tywin’s so dumb. I don’t understand everyone in Westeros considers him such a tactical genius. He’s basically just Zapp Brannigan, sending endless waves of soldiers to die until his enemies are too overwhelmed by dead bodies to fight. Fuck Tywin. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Baelor””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Pointy End”

Hello all you rebellious blood riders and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’re coming to the end of season 1 now and everyone is quickly rushing toward war because they can’t keep their goddamn white privilege in check. Detective Ned, having been betrayed by the skeevy criminal he made an alliance with, sits in jail plotting his next move when he’s met by an unexpected ally. And Jon Snow…Jon Snows. This is the first episode written by Mr. George “Har Har” Martin himself and it shows. It’s primo stuff.
Also I forgot to add Robert to the body count last time!
So, RIP Bobby B. Body count: 22

Now let’s get on with the recappin!

In the Vale

Catelyn’s pissed. She found out about Ned being arrested and asks why Lysa didn’t tell her, since she knew already. Lysa basically says she didn’t tell her because she didn’t feel like it. So Catelyn asks for help from the knights of the vale. Lysa refuses because she’s the worst and, despite being a major part of why the Lannisters and Starks are going to war, she doesn’t believe war is in the Vale’s best interest. And she wants to protect her weirdo son. Lysa is the worst. Catelyn leaves the Eyrie because of all this bullshit.

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Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “You Win or You Die”

Hello all you field dressed stags, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm where it is my TERRIBLE DESTINY to recap all the tragedies, triumphs, and downright irritating narrative choices of this, my favorite show. In last week’s episode Detective Ned had finally cracked the case and was going to confront Mayor Bobby with the knowledge of his wife’s betrayal, only to be waylaid by Sheriff Jaime and laid low by one of his deputies. Sorry for the mixed metaphors. This week we finally meet one of the most important (and overrated) players in the Game. But will Detective Ned survive to see justice done? Or will those wily Lannisters slip through his grasp? Let’s find out!

Jaime on the Run

Jaime, having fled from King’s Landing, goes crying to his daddy. He makes his way through a Lannister camp that is clearly already preparing for war, because Tywin has been looking for any excuse to kill some folks pretty much his entire life. Remember, this is a man whose concept of justice involves trapping the entire population of a city in a cave and flooding it, drowning every single person. How has no one called him on his shit yet? Seriously. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “You Win or You Die””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Wolf and the Lion”

Hello all you Hill Tribesman, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! There’s tons of excitement to be found this week as we have duels and dicks and dastardly schemes galore! Remember last week when I said episode 5 is usually a climax? Well, we’ve got a big one this week as Ned and Jaime finally throw down, Varys and Littlefinger flirt, and #dickwatch finally bears (disgusting) fruit!


In Winterfell

Bran is doing some lessons with Maester Luwin while they watch Theon practice archery which seems…cruel. Luwin knows how much Bran wants to be a knight; why would he make him watch people practice knightly things? He should know Bran’s gonna be distracted, especially cus he’s already moody about Catelyn leaving. Yeah, Luwin eventually says Bran can learn horseback archery like the the Dothraki, but he lets him suffer for a long time before that. And Theon’s bein gross and talking about his “lovemaking” skills in front of Bran. Shut up Theon. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Wolf and the Lion””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things”

Hello all you simpering princes in a far-off land, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! Due to circumstances both foreseen and unforeseen, I had to put this series on hold for a few weeks. But don’t worry, it was for good reason. We got a puppy! She’s adorable and everyone loves her, especially you! But I’m back and ready to run this show into the ground! In this episode: Ned plays Sam Spade some more, Arya smiles for the last time in her poor life, Sansa fails to grasp how much she needs her family, Viserys gets his ass kicked, and Sam just…oh Sam. Let’s do this! Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things””

Rewind the Realm: Game of Thrones, Season 1, “The Kingsroad”

Hello all you slimy catspaws with sloppy footwork and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’re doin it weekly here so don’t expect a fancy introduction every time. I am only a single man and can’t do miracles! Not yet anyway. The dragons haven’t been born and the old powers are still sleeping.

Episode 2 start with Dany and co. traveling across the Dothraki sea. Dany’s having trouble riding on horseback for so long and Jorah comes to comfort her. Immediately he calls her “child.” Jorah is gross. He already has a big ol’ herection for Dany probably, considering the way he looks at her in this scene and the fact that his next bit of advice is about how fucking totally gets easier. He might as well have said “especially with some practice” and waggled his eyebrows at her cus he won’t stop looking at her chest. You’re gross Jorah. Don’t mansplain away Dany’s aversion to being raped. Because that’s what’s happening right now. I’ll get to that in a bit.

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Rewind the Realm: Game of Thrones, Season 1, “Winter is Coming”

Hello all you Watchers on the Couch, and welcome to the first installment of Rewind the Realm; my thinly veiled excuse for rewatching Game of Thrones while pretending to be productive. HBO recently broke our hearts by announcing Game of Thrones won’t be back until 2019 so to get through this dark and terrible year I’m going to try and do a recap of one episode per week.

If you read any of our Recap the Realm posts it’ll basically be like that but (probably) much shorter and somehow less structured. Also Nikki won’t be joining me on this except for maybe a few select episodes. So let’s get this started! Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Game of Thrones, Season 1, “Winter is Coming””