Review The Walking Dead: Ep. 1 – Days Gone Bye

Hello all you questionably accented Sheriffs and welcome to something I will surely come to regret! As you may or may not know, I was recapping Game of Thrones a while back. I do intend to get back to that at some point but it might not be until after the final season. Why, you ask? Well first of all because I really really really didn’t want to watch the Dorne story again, and secondly because this is my blog and I can do what I want. You people don’t pay me GET OFF MY CASE. But also, my mom has been pestering me to watch The Walking Dead for about 6 years now and I decided to finally give in to her demands. Pray for me.

So here’s what you need to know about me. I don’t like zombies. I find them neither scary nor interesting and almost every zombie movie plays out exactly the same way. Night of the Living Dead is good because it’s the original. Dawn of the Dead really cemented George Romero’s place in the horror canon and showcased his clever use of metaphor. Hell even the remake is kind of fun. Return of the Living Dead is a fun subversion of zombie movies and introduced their love of brains into the culture’s collective psyche. And that’s about all I need. With the exception of an occasionally clever entry into zombie canon (hello Pontypool!) the genre just doesn’t do it for me. So The Walking Dead was something I was okay with skipping. But then my mom guilt tripped me enough to force my hand. And here we are. Let’s begin! Continue reading “Review The Walking Dead: Ep. 1 – Days Gone Bye”

Spookyween #3: The Haunting of Hill House

Hello all you old buildings hungry for the psychological hangups and insecurities of early middle-aged white people! Today we’re talkin’ about a classic. Now, full disclosure, avid horror fan though I am I do have some surprising gaps in what I’ve personally consumed. Some classics of the genre I’ve just never gotten around to experiencing. The Thing, never seen it; The Silence of the Lambs, never seen the movie or read the book – though I find it dubious that so many consider it a horror as opposed to a thriller; Rosemary’s Baby, more like NOsemary’s Baby (I’m hilarious); and up until recently I’d never read “The Haunting of Hill House.”  Continue reading “Spookyween #3: The Haunting of Hill House”

Spookyween #2: The Shining

Hello all you imaginary people living in children’s throats! Have I talked about The Shining before? Surely I have. I never SHUT UP about Stephen King. But look, going through the archive to find out when and how much I’ve talked about The Shining is a lot of work. Work I don’t feel like doing. No one has ever accused me of being thorough in my blogging. So buckle up buckos! We’re talking adaptation, authorial intent, and abuse today! Should be fun!  Continue reading “Spookyween #2: The Shining”

Spookyween #1: A Taste of Beaumont

Hello all you foolish mortals and neurotic vampires! It’s the MONTH OF SPOOKS and that means I, your humble horror host, will be delivering weekly content all about the things that creep, the peeps that crawl, and the horrible undulating monstrosities that go bump in the night! No time of year energizes me more than this stretch of 30 days and unfortunately it goes by in a flash. So bring out your blood bags and call your skeleton friends and let’s get this party started!
Buckle up folks, this is gonna be a long one.

Continue reading “Spookyween #1: A Taste of Beaumont”

Playback: Feeling Conflicted with “Hereditary”

Hello all you miniature dolls playing out a Greek tragedy and welcome to my review of Hereditary! In case you haven’t heard, this movies been causing a lot of buzz among critics and horror aficionados. With reviews saying things such as, “It’s the best horror movie of 2018, and possibly just the best movie in general,” “Hereditary is a horror movie that’s almost too scary,” and “Hereditary is a deeply upsetting film that will linger with you long after the credits roll,” how could I stay away? So put on your diapers, hold your loved ones close, and get ready for what is sure to be a crazy ride! As always, spoilers ahead. And according to 98% of the reviews you need to go into the movie knowing as little of the story as possible. Although I disagree.

Continue reading “Playback: Feeling Conflicted with “Hereditary””

The After Word: The Outsider (SPOILERS)

Hello all you poor mooks wrongfully accused of HEINOUS crime! It’s been a while. Sorry about that but real life has this nasty habit of taking over and forcing your attention elsewhere. But then Stephen King released a new book and I dropped everything to read it. Then real life told me to shut up and stop wasting time. It’s been a roller coaster lately. Point is, I read Stephen King’s new book and now I’m gonna talk about it atchoo! Deal? As always, spoilers ahead.

The book is one of dual identities. The first half is a police procedural and a classic locked-room mystery. Beloved small town little league coach Terry Maitland is accused of the brutal murder of a small boy. The case seems open and shut. There are witnesses tracking his every move throughout the day, they find his fingerprints all over the scene, and, worst of all, his semen is at the scene suggesting the crime was sexual. Middle aged Detective Ralph Anderson is convinced by the DA to move quickly and arrest Terry without delay. Worse, Anderson’s son was coached by Terry and, in the heat of the moment and out of anger at the brutality of the crime, Anderson arrests Terry in an incredibly public way. Continue reading “The After Word: The Outsider (SPOILERS)”

Rewind the Realm: Season 2, “The North Remembers”

Hello all you bastards stabbed at your mother’s breasts, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! I took a bit of a hiatus due to the emotional fallout of Avengers: Infinity War, but I’m back for more psychological trauma! Why do so many of the things I enjoy cause me such pain? No time for evaluation, I have a show to talk about. Let’s Go!

Robb of War 3: Robb, with a Vengeance

Robb whips his big floppy dick out in front of the captive Jaime Lannister and dares him to suck it. Jaime tries to act cool but you can tell he’s impressed. He reveals that he received Stannis’s letter about all the gross incest he and Cersei have been up to and deduces that this is why Bran was pushed and Ned was killed. Then he monologues about his plans for getting Sansa and Arya back and gaining Northern Independence by using Jaime as a bargaining chip. Then he lets Grey Wind get real close to biting off Jaime’s face. It’s a baller move and even Jaime respects it.

Then he decides to trust Theon despite Theon looking the way he does, and sends him to treat with his father Balon. Then he tells Cat to go treat with that vile traitor Renly to negotiate an alliance. Cat tells him he’s doin good but not to trust Balon. We the audience know just how correct she is. Tears are shed for future tragedy.

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The face of a man who can tooootally be trusted

On Dragonstone

We’re fiiiiiiiinally introduced to Iron Man himself, Stannis Baratheon and his red witch Melisandre. More importantly we’re introduced to the suavest man in the West, Davos Seaworth.

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Don’t mind me, I’m just bein’ sexy

Stannis, being a curmudgeonly old bastard is curmudgeoning all over the place about life. He’s pissed off cus he’s the rightful king and nobody will accept him as such. He writes the letters about Lannicestgate and sends them out to everyone in the kingdom, inadvertently coining the term “spilling the tea.” Then he refuses to seek an alliance with Robb or Renly, despite the obvious advantages of doing so. Davos tries to talk him straight but he won’t listen. See: curmudgeoning.

Instead, he lets Melisandre burn all the statues of the Seven on the island and then burn a bunch of loyalists alive. Cus…strategy? Stannis isn’t really good at this whole king thing.

Stannis’s Maester Cressen doesn’t like Melly Sandy for obvious reasons and tries to poison her. But she drinks that poison like the bad bitch she is and doesn’t even flinch. Cressen poisons himself and dies. Melly pours one out for him and goes about her business. Like. A. Boss. I may not agree with or like Melisandre, but the witch is fabulous and she knows it. Respect.

Melly’s presence is here to let us know that just because dragons can kill White Walkers, that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a better alternative. Fire kills as easily as ice.

Various Locations That Don’t Warrant Their Own Section

Bran has a dream about being a wolf and goes to the Godswood with Osha. Osha tries to ask about his dreams but he’s all sulky. They see the red comet in the sky and Bran says some people say it’s an omen for victory for Robb. Somehow Osha knows it means dragons are back. This is never explored again.

Beyond the Wall, the Night’s Watch stop at Craster’s Disgusting Incest House. He mocks Jon in ways that seem like foreshadowing but really aren’t. Jeor tells Jon to stay cool cus that’s what leaders do.

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Icky!

In Essos Dany is leading the remainder of her Khalasar across the Red Wastes, Moses style. Horses are dying, people are dying, the dragons refuse to eat meat. Everything’s bad. She sends three Blood Riders in different directions to search for refuge. Jorah stares at Dany a lot and it’s reeeeeeeeeeeeeeal creepy.

The Reign of Joffrey the Cruel

Joffrey kicks off his reign in style by ordering the execution of a drunk knight at his nameday celebration. Sansa, being way better at diplomacy than so many people give her credit for, convinces him to spare his life and make him a fool instead. The Hound swoops in with an assist to make it happen, but it’s all because Sansa was smart and bold at just the right time. I will fight anyone who wants to talk shit about Sansa.

 

Anyway Tyrion arrives with the letter declaring him Hand of the King and Cersei shits her pants on the spot. He placates her by saying he’ll only be advising, then proceeds to unleash a sick burn when he finds out that she let Arya slip away, all but blaming her if Jaime dies.

Joffrey then confronts Cersei about Stannis’s letter cus even Joffrey is grossed out by incest. Then he has all of Robert’s bastards murdered, even the babies. It never outright says who ordered them to be killed. But we all know. The City Watch finds out that one bastard escaped with Yoren and is headed to the Wall. They find this out by torturing Tobho Mott. Literally the only smith capable of working on Valyrian Steel. In the World.

This doesn’t happen in the book because nobody would be stupid enough to torture the only smith capable of fixing your magic swords. Joffrey is not off to a good start.

And so Season 2 begins! I’m not doing the body count for this episode because it’s too depressing. I’m already depressed from Infinity War and YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. The show is still compelling, Stannis hasn’t yet been ruined, Robb is runnin’ things. Life’s good for now. I’m sure it’ll stay that way forever. See ya next week!

Probably.

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Fire and Blood”

Hello all you psychic projections of your dead parent’s ghosts and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’ve made it to the end of Season 1 somehow, though Ned’s death still stings. And always will. The final episode of the seasons always have a delicate balance to maintain. They have to push the story forward just enough to be satisfying, but also hold back enough to make people want to see the next season. That’s not really a problem for this season of course because this season ends with MOTHERFUGGIN DRAGONS! Nothin’ gets a fantasy fan frothy quite like dragons! But we’ll get to that. We have other stuff to cover first.

In Winterfell

Psychic boy Bran has a dream about his dead ass dad and has Osha carry him down into the crypts. They find other psychic boy Rickon down there already with Shaggydog because he also had a dream about Ned. Then they find out Ned died. And nobody ever brings up the fact that they’re obviously psychic again. Maester Luwin is a putz. But he’s got serious eyebrow game.

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You know it bisch

Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Fire and Blood””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Baelor”

Hello all you nameless soldiers in an endless war and welcome back to Recap the Realm! We’re at episode 9, an episode number that never bodes well in this show, as we’ll come to find. This tends to be where the BIG DRAMATIC EVENT of the seasons occurs and it all started here with perhaps the BIGGEST DRAMATIC EVENT of the show’s entire run. Also this is when my Body Count Tracker of Ultimate Sadness ™ is going to become very difficult to update! So that’ll be fun.

Let’s go!

At the Lannister Camp

Tyrion (correctly) assumes that Tywin is trying to get him killed by putting him and the hill tribes in the vanguard. There’s a tactical reason for Tywin’s decision here but it’s still a flimsy justification for him trying to get rid of Tyrion. Tywin’s so dumb. I don’t understand everyone in Westeros considers him such a tactical genius. He’s basically just Zapp Brannigan, sending endless waves of soldiers to die until his enemies are too overwhelmed by dead bodies to fight. Fuck Tywin. Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Baelor””

Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Pointy End”

Hello all you rebellious blood riders and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’re coming to the end of season 1 now and everyone is quickly rushing toward war because they can’t keep their goddamn white privilege in check. Detective Ned, having been betrayed by the skeevy criminal he made an alliance with, sits in jail plotting his next move when he’s met by an unexpected ally. And Jon Snow…Jon Snows. This is the first episode written by Mr. George “Har Har” Martin himself and it shows. It’s primo stuff.
Also I forgot to add Robert to the body count last time!
So, RIP Bobby B. Body count: 22

Now let’s get on with the recappin!

In the Vale

Catelyn’s pissed. She found out about Ned being arrested and asks why Lysa didn’t tell her, since she knew already. Lysa basically says she didn’t tell her because she didn’t feel like it. So Catelyn asks for help from the knights of the vale. Lysa refuses because she’s the worst and, despite being a major part of why the Lannisters and Starks are going to war, she doesn’t believe war is in the Vale’s best interest. And she wants to protect her weirdo son. Lysa is the worst. Catelyn leaves the Eyrie because of all this bullshit.

Continue reading “Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “The Pointy End””