Hello all you rebellious blood riders and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’re coming to the end of season 1 now and everyone is quickly rushing toward war because they can’t keep their goddamn white privilege in check. Detective Ned, having been betrayed by the skeevy criminal he made an alliance with, sits in jail plotting his next move when he’s met by an unexpected ally. And Jon Snow…Jon Snows. This is the first episode written by Mr. George “Har Har” Martin himself and it shows. It’s primo stuff.
Also I forgot to add Robert to the body count last time!
So, RIP Bobby B. Body count: 22
Now let’s get on with the recappin!
In the Vale
Catelyn’s pissed. She found out about Ned being arrested and asks why Lysa didn’t tell her, since she knew already. Lysa basically says she didn’t tell her because she didn’t feel like it. So Catelyn asks for help from the knights of the vale. Lysa refuses because she’s the worst and, despite being a major part of why the Lannisters and Starks are going to war, she doesn’t believe war is in the Vale’s best interest. And she wants to protect her weirdo son. Lysa is the worst. Catelyn leaves the Eyrie because of all this bullshit.
Down in the Mountains of the Moon, Tyrion and Bronn are accosted by some hill tribes. Tyrion being Tyrion, he talks his way out of dying by saying he’ll give them weapons. Later, they reach the Lannister camp (sup Keven!) and Tywin is pissy about Tyrion’s promise but agrees to arm the tribes, but Tyrion has to fight with them. Tywin sucks.
Robb of War
Robb gets embarrassed by his mom in front of all his friends and gets all moody, but it’s fine. They receive Sansa’s letter and immediately recognize it as bullshit so Robb calls his banners for war. Theon gets hard and wants to kiss Robb but society won’t allow it. His bannermen arrive and Robb has to toxic masculinity his way into their hearts by having Grey Wind bite off a few of Greatjon Umber’s fingers. So everything’s cool and they agree to follow Robb into war. Men are weird.
He leaves Bran in charge of Winterfell and Bran gets all sulky. Later, Rickon comes into Bran’s room and is like “yo fam, everyone left” and Bran says “they’ll be back” and Rickon gets all psychic and says “nah, they won’t.” These implied psychic powers are also present in the book and, considering this episode was written by GRRM himself, I have to imagine this will come into play in the books again. It…does not in the show. Poor Rickon. Later Bran is praying in the Godswood and has a conversation with Osha about the Old Gods that foreshadows Bran’s eventual godhood. This is interrupted by Hodor’s BIG PROSTHETIC PENIS ™ which Osha seems…reeeeeeeeally into.
Then Robb has a war council where he makes a smart play to trick Tywin. Good job Robbo! You’re real good at this war shit. I’m sure everything will turn out just fine.
At the Wall
We find out whose hand it was! Apparently Ghost ripped the hand off of one of Benjen’s rangers. He was trying to warn Jon about the wights, obviously, but nobody realizes this. Sam comes close when he realizes the corpses haven’t decayed at all. Anyway Jon finds out about Ned’s imprisonment and Alliser Thorne tricks him into attacking him by using like kindergarten insults. Jon needs to get a thicker skin. His punishment is literally being sent to his room without dinner. Later, he chucks a lantern at a dead guy’s face. Jon has a weird life.
Also, it should be noted that the wights are completely immune to Jon’s sword here. That immunity…doesn’t seem to last considering how many wights get killed throughout the show.
Dany sees firsthand what it means to be a conqueror and she doesn’t like it. The khalasar attacks a Lhazareen village, raping and pillaging and taking slaves, and Dany wants them to show mercy. She has an interesting conversation with Jorah where she asks why they’re taking gold if they don’t believe in money, to which Jorah replies they’re taking the gold to buy ships to go to Westeros. And so Dany realizes that all this shit is partially her fault and makes some half-hearted attempts to stop it. She talks all the women as her own to keep the khalasar from raping them and says that if they want to have sex with them then they have to marry them. Cus…slavery and rape are cool as long as you put a ring on it…I guess? Dany doesn’t always think things through. Drogo is amused and agrees but Mago doesn’t. They fight. Drogo pulls his tongue out through his throat but allows himself to be cut first. You know how it goes.
Dany is worried about the cut and agrees to let some random woman treat the wound. A random woman whose village her khalasar had just burned down. Again, Dany doesn’t always think things through.
In King’s Landing
The Lannisters slaughter everyone from House Stark. The guardsmen, the crew of their ship, Septa Mordane.
RIP, like, so many people. Body count: 35 (?)
The Hound takes Sansa into custody and Meryn Trant goes to get Arya but bad luck for him she’s with Syrio. Syrio fights them off and allows Arya to run away. I refuse to add Syrio to the body count. YOU CAN’T MAKE ME. I can however add the stableboy that Arya accidentally stabs in the next scene.
RIP stableboy. You looked like you were cosplaying Atreyu. Body count: 36
Detective Ned is in prison where he’s visited by Varys in a “disguise.” I wish they’d have kept the master of disguise aspect of Varys’s character in the show but I guess it woulda been too difficult. So now he’s just wearing a hood. He gives Ned some water and gets all sassy with him about trusting Littlefinger. He seems genuinely confused about Ned’s honorable actions and his attempt to show mercy to Cersei. When Ned asks him who he servers Varys, with extra sass, says “the realm. Because someone has to.”
Joffrey dismisses Barristan from the Kingsguard, which pisses him off. Joffrey is stupid. Sansa then begs Joffrey for Ned’s life, showing a decent amount of diplomatic acumen by stating Ned’s injured leg had messed up his brain. Joffrey says he’ll spare Ned’s life if he confesses his treason and tells him he’s the rightful king, already displaying his need for validation for which Tywin will later chastise him. Joffrey suuuuuuuuuucks.
The episodes written by George are almost always the best of the season. He tends to elevate the show above its worst tendencies and, since the story is his baby, he understands the characters better than anyone. It’s also fun to see what elements he includes in the show and speculate about what that means for the future books. See: psychic baby Rickon.
So what I’m really trying to say is…I NEED THE WINDS OF WINTER RIGHT NOW GEORGE PLEASE SENPAI!
….See ya next time!