Hello you BLOODY SAVAGES and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! Shit’s gettin’ good guys. I often forget how much I love the earlier seasons of this show and I’m worried how that’s going to affect my view of the later seasons when I watch them in such close proximity. No time to worry about that now though cus we have shit to do!
In the Eyrie
Tyrion wakes up in the sky cell, having almost fallen to his death. He’s cross, as one might expect. Those sky cells are fucked up. But I can’t help but wish I could spend like a night or two in one, just in case the stress and possibility of death would grant me superpowers. As tends to happen.
We have a few scenes of Tyrion getting beaten by gaoler Mord before he turns on the silver tongue and convinces Mord to grant him an audience with Lysa. Tyrion, of course, uses this to troll the shit out of Lysa and her court cus that’s what he does. I love how this scene comes full circle when he’s standing trial for Joffrey’s death. Course it works better in the books cus Tyrion actually changes from the jovial, mocking-but-ultimately-kind character to a bitter, twisted wreck of a man; in the show he just…gets angry and then goes back to being funny and good. Ah well, ‘tis the trap of television.
This is also the first time he starts his “jackass and a honeycomb” joke, only to be interrupted before reaching the punchline. I probably don’t want to hear that punchline honestly.
He invokes his right to trial by combat and Lysa twists it into an unwinnable fight until our boy Bronn steps up and begins televisions greatest friendship since Max and Brad (if you don’t know what that refers to there’s no helping you.) Lysa’s champion fights like a true knight, Bronn is pragmatic. Guess who wins. One has to wonder where this pragmatic approach to life went when Bronn decides to undertake a suicide mission to Dorne with a crippled Jaime Lannister. Tyrion out!
In the North
Bran has another boring Three Eyed Raven scene. He gets a fancy saddle. Robb is a total dick to Theon and is just really begging for his betrayal in season 2, then Bran almost gets killed by wildlings. And we’re introduced to Osha! Who’s a great character until she disappears for two season and dies while trying to give Ramsey a blowy. Way to suck writers.
That’s all I got. Sorry Bran, your story’s just not interesting until season 3.
In King’s Landing
Detective Ned is laid low and he wakes to find his nemesis scowling over his bed. She demands retribution for the arrest of her brother. Detective Ned wants retribution for Jaime’s attack. Robert is there to cool things down. Except he doesn’t. He smacks Cersei in the face and all but seals her resolve to murder him and tells Ned to shut his dumb mouth. Robert Baratheon: a very bad king.
Things get sad when Robert admits he never loved his brothers but he loves Ned. In fact he loves him so much that he won’t let him go back to Winterfell. He needs Ned to rule in his stead while he goes on a hunt. Robert Baratheon: a bad king, a bad brother, a bad husband, a bad friend.
Later, Arya is training with Syrio. She’s distracted cus she’s troubled by everything that’s happened and Syrio gives some of the best advice ever given in the series: “Good! Trouble is the perfect time for training. When you are dancing in the meadow with your dolls and kittens, this is not when fighting happens. If you’re with your trouble when the fighting happens – more trouble for you.” And he follows that up with one of the best lines in the series. “There is only one god, and his name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to death…’not today.’”
God I love Syrio.
And I don’t really understand why people think he’s a Faceless Man. A Faceless Man would never teach someone to tell Death ‘not today.’ Death is kind of their whole M.O. I hope we learn more about Syrio. In the books, I mean, cus we sure as hell won’t in the show.
We then see the hunt where Lancel is very obviously offering Robert too much wine. Why Barristan doesn’t say anything, I’ll never know. Way to suck at your job Barry. Also, what a shitty assassination plot. I guess it works but only because Robert’s an idiot. Renly tries to talk some damn sense into Robert about how fucked up it is that he misses the days when they were at war but of course Robert continues to be an idiot. Really shows that Renly’s a caring, compassionate, intelligent individual except for the fact that he makes a baseless claim for the Iron Throne and causes the death of thousands of people and the total destruction of his house.
Anyway, The Mountain is stirring up shit in the Riverlands, Littlefinger stirs up shit in the throne room, and Ned sends a much more ginger Beric Dondarrion to bring him to the King’s justice.
Afterward, Sansa continues to be the worst – she’s young and stupid and desperate for her stories to be true, cut her some slack guys – and Joffrey makes the most insincere apology/declaration of love ever. And then Ned says he’s sending the girls back to Winterfell and Sansa pitches a hissy fit. But she gives Detective Ned the final missing link in the case when she says Joffrey is nothing like the King and she’ll give him beautiful blonde children. The seed is strong, indeed, Detective; but can you reveal Cersei’s betrayal before it’s too late!?
Dany picks up a hot ass dragon egg that was just in a fire and just burned her handmaiden’s hands. Dany is not burned. Dany has superpowers in the tv show. I’ll get to that.
Then she eats a horse heart and does some Alex cosplay.
This is all very normal. But Viserys is grossed out for some reason and decides he’s had enough and he’s not gonna be here for the Dothraki to push around anymore cus he’s a beautiful, powerful dragon and nobody should ever be mean to him! He wants to steal the dragon’s eggs but Jorah says no. Viserys gives an honestly kind of sad speech about how shitty his life has been and how no one has ever given him the kind of respect the Dothraki just showed Dany and how it’s totally obvious how much Jorah wants to fuck Dany and that’s gross.
Sidebar: I do kind of feel bad for Viserys, annoying and shitty as he is. Dude’s been protecting Dany since he was five and he sold off all of their family’s heirlooms – his only reminders of the family he once had – just to make sure they didn’t starve. He’s been brought up to believe that he’s the last hope for the Targaryeans and Westeros and he’s been shat on the entire time. That sort of thing will fuck a person up.
Course all that sympathy evaporates when he shows up, drunk out his ass and waving a sword around in a tent full of Dothraki warriors whose religion very explicitly says not to do that and threatening to cut Dany’s stomach open. Viserys, my dude, examine your life choices. They’re not good. Drogo says he’ll give him his crown and my heart honestly breaks when Viserys’s stupid face lights up in hope. Then Dany watches emotionless as they pour molten gold on her brother’s head and he dies one of the most horrible deaths in the show’s entire run.
RIP Viserys: Body Count 21
As much as life fucked Viserys up, I feel like Dany’s psyche is even worse. Her life is hard, and cruel, and brutal. No way she comes out of all this unscathed. At least not in the books. In the show she’s the Very Special Girl ™ who meets her Very Special Guy ™ and Saves the World ™. Also she says “He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.” And sets up one of the biggest misconceptions in the fandom. Dany ain’t immune to fire ya’ll. Her surviving the pyre is a bamboozle. But I’ll get to that in episode 10.
So there we have it! Another episode down, only 61 more to go! I’m beginning to think I won’t finish this before the new season premiers. But that’s a risk I was willing to take and one you should have been ready for! Hope you’ve been enjoying this so far cus I’m gonna continue doing it regardless!