Hello all you Hill Tribesman, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! There’s tons of excitement to be found this week as we have duels and dicks and dastardly schemes galore! Remember last week when I said episode 5 is usually a climax? Well, we’ve got a big one this week as Ned and Jaime finally throw down, Varys and Littlefinger flirt, and #dickwatch finally bears (disgusting) fruit!
Bran is doing some lessons with Maester Luwin while they watch Theon practice archery which seems…cruel. Luwin knows how much Bran wants to be a knight; why would he make him watch people practice knightly things? He should know Bran’s gonna be distracted, especially cus he’s already moody about Catelyn leaving. Yeah, Luwin eventually says Bran can learn horseback archery like the the Dothraki, but he lets him suffer for a long time before that. And Theon’s bein gross and talking about his “lovemaking” skills in front of Bran. Shut up Theon.
Speaking of, we get to see Theon having sex. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…also his dick. Which is gross. #dickfails But at least Ros sasses him a bit and tells him Tyrion’s better at sex. Oh Ros. You were and always have been too fabulous for Westeros.
Catelyn’s Quest V: Catelyn Makes the Imp Go Yonder
Did you like that? I worked very hard on that joke. Fuck you.
So Catelyn’s taking Tyrion to the Vale, and Tyrion’s all like “You said we were going to Winterfell,” and Cat gets all smug and is like “Yeah I said that a lot and really loud; I’m so smart.” Then Tyrion says, “If you’re so smart, then tell me why you think I would give an assassin my own knife.” And Catelyn realizes how dumb she’s been but doesn’t stop being dumb cus they get attacked by some random dudes. There’s a short battle where Bronn kills some dudes and Tryion kills the absolute fuck out of a dude. RIP random dudes. Body count: 12, I think.
Then they get to the Vale and meet Lysa. Oh Lysa, you’re…scary. But all I could think about during that scene was whether or not that was a prosthetic boob. Surely it was, right? They didn’t just have that kid nuzzling a real boob? That would be weird. The Vale is weird.
Then Tyrion gets thrown in a sky cell.
Back to Detective Ned!
He’s watching Ser Hugh’s body getting dressed and talking to Barristan. Ned knows some shit’s up and that Hugh was definitely silenced. He’s also suspicious about how Hugh was able to buy a new set of armor. Barristan doesn’t think anything’s amiss cus he’s kind of a dummy, but Ned is deftly plying him for useful information. He find Robert preparing to joust and being a dick to Lancel, as usual. Robert’s too fat for his armor, and Ned taunts him. Ned successfully convinces him not to joust, and Robert pouts like a big baby.
Back at the tournament, Loras is up against the Mountain. He gives Sansa a rose but savagely eye-fucks Renly. Somehow, no one notices. There’s a lovely little moment where Sansa clutches Ned’s arm, and you can see the shock in his face about her being warm toward him again. Makes my heart hurt. Loras manages to beat the Mountain, and Littlefinger gets all creepy whispering in Sansa’s ear about Loras’s horse being in heat. Stop being creepy Littlefinger. Stop.
In a rage, Gregor kills his horse and attacks Loras, and we get Cleganebowl 1.0. Sandor holds him off until Robert tells them to stop, at which point Sandor does a suave-ass kneel while simultaneously ducking Gregor’s sword. It’s fly. Loras declares Sandor the champion, and Sandor gets all shy when everyone cheers for him. I see you Sandor! YOU JUST NEED SOME LOVE DAMMIT!
Later, Ned meets with Varys about some information pertaining to Jon Arryn. Ned’s story is such a noir mystery. Varys is filling the role of the shady informant here, giving Detective Ned just enough mystery to keep him going but not enough to put the pieces together. Then Arya gets lost beneath the Red Keep and overhears Varys and Illyrio plotting and then gets mistaken for a boy by two people in the span of like 3 minutes. Arya don’t look like a boy at all ya idjits.
Littlefinger and Varys have a little verbal sparring session about who knows more secrets than whom and whose spies are better. It’s all very amusing. Buuuuut I feel like we don’t talk enough about how Littlefinger apparently has child sex slaves. Like…that’s exceedingly awful, even for him. Why aren’t we more angry about this?? Also Varys is a good guy now, but he has child slaves. We need to be more angry about these things guys!
Also which lord likes to fuck fresh corpses? That’s the mystery Ned should be looking in to. That’s gross.
Then we have the small council meeting where Robert wants to murder Dany and her unborn baby. Robert calls Dany a whore, and man he really puts some stank on the word. Ned speaks some harsh truths about Robert bein a cowardly dummy and Robert gets all mad. Ned’s sooooooooooooooooo close to leaving King’s Landing, but Littlefinger stops him by promising more information about the murder. In classic noir-hero fashion, Ned’s sense of duty gets in the way of his self-preservation, and he agrees to stay for just one more day to see what Littlefinger has to show him. Ned you fool!
We have two quick cutaways here. One where Loras and Renly get their freak on and Loras convinces Renly that he should be king. I really don’t like the chacterizations of Loras and Renly in the show. I’ll get into that more down the line.
Then there’s a scene where Robert makes his argument for killing Dany to Cersei in a clear, concise, and reasonable way. Don’t know why he couldn’t have done that with Ned. He’s such a dummy. Then they share a laugh about how shitty their lives are. Good times!
And lastly, the duel of the century. Ned v Jaime in a fight to the death! Ned is impressively holding his own against a man who is literally the greatest swordsman of his generation, but then some guardsman ruins everyone’s fun and stabs Ned in the leg. I’ll never understand why he did that.
Also RIP Jory and a bunch of Stark and Lannister guardsmen. Body count: 20ish.
We’re halfway through season 1! I definitely remember why I got so hooked on this show originally. This is good stuff. The only faults really come from knowing what comes later and how the characters morph into pale imitations of themselves. But for now, I’m lovin’ it! See you next time!