Rewind the Realm: Season 1, “Cripples, Bastards, and Broken Things”

Hello all you simpering princes in a far-off land, and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! Due to circumstances both foreseen and unforeseen, I had to put this series on hold for a few weeks. But don’t worry, it was for good reason. We got a puppy! She’s adorable and everyone loves her, especially you! But I’m back and ready to run this show into the ground! In this episode: Ned plays Sam Spade some more, Arya smiles for the last time in her poor life, Sansa fails to grasp how much she needs her family, Viserys gets his ass kicked, and Sam just…oh Sam. Let’s do this!

So, rewatching the show, you really start to close in on the pattern of the show. Each season follows roughly the same format: Episode 1 is shocking and sets up the major players, episodes 2 and 3 start to position those players, episode 4 builds the plot, episode 5 is a climax, and the rest of the season repeats the process. So the fourth episode is usually slow. And boooooy is that true for this episode.

It’s good, don’t get me wrong, because the show is good, and the actors are good, and the story is good. But it’s an episode you can really just read the Wikipedia summary for and be okay. I love Detective Ned, a lot—I think it’s part of what makes the first book so compelling—but everything else in this episode is a take it or leave it situation. Except for like two things. Which I’ll get to later.

At the Wall, Sam shows up and embarrasses himself, the Watch, his family, any birds that are flying nearby, and all of mankind.

Oh Sam, oh sweety…

Luckily, Jon is there and steps in to stop him from being savagely beaten. Alliser Thorne responds in a way befitting his age and rank: he calls Jon gay. So…that’s a thing. Remember in the last episode when Maester Aemon talks about how the Watch has fallen so far from grace? Yeah, no wonder with someone like Thorne as the Man-at-Arms. He’s the Snape of this series and I’m glad he’s dead. He’s at least partially to blame for whatever damage The Others cause.

Hello Ghost. Good to see you. See you again in like 3 seasons.

They paid me $1 million for these 3 seconds

In King’s Landing, we get a real quick introduction to Janos Slynt, Pycelle freely offers up Ned’s first major clue cus he’s an idiot, Sansa sulks, Arya balances on one foot, and The Mountain kills some dingus named Hugh.
RIP Hugh. Body Count: 5

Littlefinger starts creepin on Sansa already and tells her the story of The Hound and The Mountain for…some reason. Dude’s such a creep. Why? Why are you this way, Petyr? Just stop creeping on little girls. You already have so much other stuff that makes you gross.

Back in Winterfell, Bran has a three-eyed raven dream that’s way lamer than it is in the books, and he’s sulking cus he can’t use his legs and because he has to talk to Theon. I’d be pissed too if I had to look at Theon’s face. Dude looks like a meth addict. Sorry Alfie Allen, I’m sure you’re a nice person, but your face makes me angry. And stop talking about all the sex you’re having with Winterfell whores. Nobody wants to picture that!
But hey, Tyrion shows up and does one of the supreme acts of kindness in the entire series. His saddle design for Bran is seriously awesome and nice and Robb has to be a big ol’ dick to him. Friggin Robb. Such an idiot. ‘Course then he ruins it by mocking Theon and calling Robb his master and the Starks his captors. Surely that won’t have any ramifications down the line. And then Catelyn commits one of the biggest blunders in the series and kidnaps him. No wonder he becomes such a horrible little monster in the books. Way to get a bunch of people killed Catelyn! But hey, at least we get our first look at Bronn!

Finally, in Vaes Dothrak, we have a gross bath scene with Viserys where there’s some hints dropped about Euron and the Faceless Men, but more importantly: Dany slaps the shit out of Viserys and talks to Jorah about how he would be a shit king cus he’s a shit person. I love it.


Soooo…not a lot to work with in this episode. And to be honest, I don’t really like it very much. While I was watching the episode, Nikkie said something very profound; she said, “I think I’d rather just read the first book than watch the first season, cus I can’t deal with anyone’s face.” And she’s right. Everyone looks weird and acts weird and is weird. There’s a real disconnect between this season and the later seasons cus the later seasons don’t stick to the story of the books and everyone acts way out of character. That either doesn’t bode well for this early season or the later seasons. Guess we’ll find out when I get there.

Overall, I’d give this episode 2 oiled up Gendrys out of 5.

Master Mott, is it normal for blacksmiths to be shirtless and covered in oil?

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