Rewind the Realm: Game of Thrones, Season 1, “The Kingsroad”

Hello all you slimy catspaws with sloppy footwork and welcome back to Rewind the Realm! We’re doin it weekly here so don’t expect a fancy introduction every time. I am only a single man and can’t do miracles! Not yet anyway. The dragons haven’t been born and the old powers are still sleeping.

Episode 2 start with Dany and co. traveling across the Dothraki sea. Dany’s having trouble riding on horseback for so long and Jorah comes to comfort her. Immediately he calls her “child.” Jorah is gross. He already has a big ol’ herection for Dany probably, considering the way he looks at her in this scene and the fact that his next bit of advice is about how fucking totally gets easier. He might as well have said “especially with some practice” and waggled his eyebrows at her cus he won’t stop looking at her chest. You’re gross Jorah. Don’t mansplain away Dany’s aversion to being raped. Because that’s what’s happening right now. I’ll get to that in a bit.

We cut to Winterfell with Tyrion sleeping in the kennels with a bunch of adorable doggos. The only thing that matters in this scene is that he slaps the shit out of Joffrey. I gotta give it to Jack Gleeson, his pathetic little whimpers every time he’s slapped are solid gold acting. He played the hell out of Joffrey. A bunch of stuff happens in Winterfell but the two things I wanna talk about both involve the Lannisters. The first is that weird story Cersei tells Cat about her first son dying. She describes him as a black-haired beauty who died trying to beat a fever. She called him a fighter. It’s so weird. Did that child exist? Was it a lie? Is it just supposed to cement in our minds how weird it is that all of her other children are blonde? Did she murder that kid? It’s never brought up again!

The second is the weird aggro conversation Jaime has with Jon. It serves literally no purpose other than to show Jaime’s a dick I guess. He gets all creepy when he shakes Jon hand too. He won’t let him go and he pulls him close and like whispers into his ear about how he’s glad to have such a strapping young man up at the wall fighting for the realm. Does he wanna fuck Jon? Is that what’s happening? Just say you want it Jaime! Don’t fight your feelings!

I’d make a joke about what’s happening out of frame but I’m not a PERVERT

Then Jon and Ned are leaving and we get the infamous “next time I see you I’ll tell you who your mother is” line that I believe proves without a doubt that Ned wanted to die. He did it for the lulz. I bet his last thought as the axe slices into his neck is “haha Jon’s gonna be haunted by that!” We also get a really interesting shot of Benjen watching them as they talk and I’m wondering if, knowing what we know now, Benjen was guessing what they were talking about and this is supposed to be a hint about why he’s at the wall. Maybe Benjen knows too. Then Bobby B and Ned have a fun talk about boobies and we hear about Wylla. Who we never find out more about. The fuck is Wylla? She gonna show up next season? My guess is probably not. She was probably one of the ladies who was there when Lyanna gave birth.

We get a quick scene of Dany being raped. Good. She stares at her dragon eggs which are framed by flames and her eyes go hard as she decides to take control of her life. Then it cuts to Jon who’s also staring into some flames. I see you D&D, given us early clues about the big reveal. Ya’ll clever. Tyrion and Jon bro out and Jon is all sulky. His sulkiness really works better in the books since he’s younger but Kit does it well. And then the catspaw. It’s really frustrating how all the Starks ignore their direwolves throughout the entire story. All of em are whining and crying here and Cat’s just like “shut those stupid wolves up.” Bran ignored his direwolf before he was pushed. Sansa ignores Lady a few scenes from now and gets her killed. Robb ignores Grey Wind in Season 3. Ghost disappears. Wake up Starks!

Anyway Summer kills the shit out of the catspaw. RIP catspaw guy.
Game of Thrones Body Count: 2 – the first was that random dude at Dany’s wedding feast.

And then we have the most important scene in GoT history. The birth of the greatest meme of all time. It. Is. Known.

It is known

Also some shit about a moon exploding and creating dragons. I’m sure that’ll have some significance in the books. Not in the show though. The show had to pick between deep lore or boobies.

And then whiplash cut back to Winterfell! Detective Catelyn is on the case, hot on the heels of the vicious curs who pushed her son out a window. Robb and Theon all but say they’re gonna start a war and Maester Luwin shuts them and their toxic masculinity bullshit down. It’s great. I like when the story emphasizes that Robb is still a child.

We get some hot hot Drogo ass all up in our faces and Dany tames the wild man with cowgirl sex. Their breathin really hard into each other’s faces but man…like…medieval people’s breath just had to be stank right? I think about that all the time in this series. Did they just not notice cus everyone had stank mouth? Is stank breath stank if all breath is stank? Or is it only stank if there’s widespread dental care? These are the important questions.

Anyway, Dany learning to enjoy sex/her marriage is interesting right? In the book her first time with Drogo is less…rapey. He is tender with her, he wipes her tears away and even tries to comfort her through the language barrier. Buuuuuut it’s still against her will because she didn’t want to marry him in the first place. In the show it’s full on rape. He tears her clothes off, pushes her down and forces himself on her while she openly weeps. In both instances the whole thing is pretty gross. But what to make of her “taming” him? Is it inspiring that she takes back what little agency she can and takes a little control of her life, or is it disgusting that she grows to love her rapist? In the books I’m more inclined to enjoy it as a story of a woman gaining agency in a world that has stripped it away from the day she was born. In the show it kind of grosses me out. It’s still nice that she gets some agency but Drogo is a less sympathetic character. I dunno. It’s a tricky discussion. Especially with my caucastic brain.

Moving on from that we cut to Sansa wandering around camp with Lady and running in to Ilyn Payne and the Hound. Rory McCann is already hilarious here. Even from the beginning he was one of the best presences on the show. He’s imposing and witty. Sansa shows aptitude for diplomacy by speaking gently to Payne and the Hound despite being scared by both and then Joffrey shows up. He calls her “sweetling” and strokes her chin and I barf a little bit. Lady whines and Sansa ignores her. He’s a dick to Arya and Mycah and gets chomped by Nymeria and just falls to tears right away. It takes two seconds and he’s crying and begging for his life. How does a person suck this hard? He has to be practicing. He’s just so inept at everything. I wish Nymeria had killed him.


Then there’s the infamous trial scene where Cersei’s a bitch and I’m pretty sure she was trying to get Arya flogged. Why? She’s so small. She’s like 8! Why do you want to flog an 8 year old Cersei!? Stupid ass Sansa gets Lady killed by lying but also I think I’ve never given her enough credit in this scene. It’s a similar setup to the previous scene with Payne and the Hound. She’s confronted by unpleasantness on both sides. Either lie and get Arya in trouble or tell the truth and shame Joffrey. She was attempting to be diplomatic again but the situation – and Cersei’s vindictiveness – doesn’t allow for diplomacy and she’s too inexperienced to handle it.

But there’s a great moment here that I never noticed before. When Cersei says that they have a direwolf to kill in the absence of Nymeria and Sansa realizes what she means Arya puts a hand on Sansa’s arm to comfort her. It’s very quick and hard to see but it’s there. It’s such a simple sign of warmth. And then Arya starts arguing for Sansa and staring daggers in to Cersei in a show of sisterly devotion. The last we’ll get until season friggin seven.

Arya, starting a list…

And then our hearts break. Ned kills Lady, stroking her gently as the music swells. We cut to Bran and Summer, with Summer whining, showing how the direwolves and the Stark children are connected even at such a great distance. And then Ned kills Lady and we all die a little on the inside.

RIP Lady. RIP Mycah. Body Count: 4.

And Bran wakes up. I’ve always wondered about the significance of the timing here. Did Lady’s death make Bran wake up through some sort of blood magic? The timing is the same in the book, though there’s a lot more going on in the chapter where Bran wakes up. It’s interesting at the very least. God I love this series.

Wow. This show sure does make me talk a lot doesn’t it? I expected this post to be a lot shorter than the last one. I was wrong. Sorry about that. But also I’m not. Shut up! I’ll try to keep it shorter in the next one, maybe do a little less overt recapping and more substansive analysis. But probably not. This is a recap series after all. You want serious analysis go read another blog. I love you all! See you next week!

RIP Lady. You were a very good doggo

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