Hello you unkindness of warged ravens, and welcome back to Recap the Realm!
Let us not mince words but simply gather ’round the scrolls for some good ol’ fashioned recappin’.
Lord MWB: Boy was this week frustrating. Jon got cozy with a dragon, Sam forgot his history, Arya got a -8 to her INT stat, Jorah showed up to set up his inevitable death, and Littlefinger just…Littlefingers all over the place. For such a slow episode, it sure did make Lady MWB and I scream in frustration a lot. And now you lucky readers get to hear our screaming via the power of the internet!
Bronn apparently has a magic Cloak of Breath Holding because he dragged Jaime through an entire lake while that dude was wearing full armor, and they both emerged barely out of breath. I guess he also has Boots of Super Strength for that matter. Basically, if Bronn was a DnD character, his player would get kicked out of the game for cheating. Meanwhile, Dickon was a useless character that died a pointless death. Also, Dany’s not doing great at this queen thing. She made Tyrion Hand for a reason—maybe she should listen to him about not burning people to death.
When she returns to Dragonstone, Jon gets to pet Drogon and Dany is shocked. Bold of Jon to just stick his hand out like Drogon was a cat. Lucky he’s a Targaryan…OR IS HE!? Jorah shows up, and Dany gives him a look that probably makes him think he has a shot with her even though he doesn’t. Tyrion and Varys discuss Dany burning people alive and how that’s super not cool despite her having dragons which would at some point presumably burn people alive? And then Jon gets an email from Bran@3eyedraven.org sayin’ “sup bro. guess w@ im not ded! Lol ne way NK is goin to Eastwtch by sea. Better do sumthing. Kthxbyee. PS Arya sez hi ;)” So they come up with a crazy plan to steal a dead guy and show it to Cersei, adding Gendry to their party in the process.
Jon and Gendry have a scene together that directly parallels Ned and Robert’s first scene together, and Dany once again teases Jorah. Good thing he’s gonna die so he won’t have to feel the sting of rejection once again.
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Sam. Sam, Sam, Sam. Sambo. Sammy boy. Ham Sammy. Samerican Dream. What are ya doin, man. Gilly drops a megaton bomb of knowledge on you, and you just tell her to shut up so you can rant about your white privilege? We get it. You don’t think you should have to be an apprentice—whatever. Stop being mad for two seconds and listen to your smart lady. She just told you that RHAEGAR’S MARRIAGE WAS ANNULLED! You might not know how that’s important in regards to Jon, but seriously dude. The widely accepted cause for the War of Five Kings was just debunked, and you’re not even interested? What the hell is wrong with you!? Also, where are you going? Back to the Wall? To Winterfell? I’m mad at you, Sam!
And Winterfell. What the hell was going on with Winterfell? Here are some questions:
1. Why is Arya standing directly in the one patch of sunlight in the kennels while spying on LF?
2. Why isn’t she wearing a different face while spying?
3. Why is she assuming the worst of Sansa?
4. Why are the Northern Lords so fickle?
5. Why is ARYA SO MAD AT SANSA? She is ruling in Jon’s place and doing what rulers do. She straight-up defended Jon, but I guess not hard enough? I dunno; this is confounding me.
6. Why is Arya falling into LF’s trap so easily? She knows he’s up to some shit. EVERYONE knows he’s up to some shit.
I’m not happy with the current direction of the Winterfell story. Jon isn’t doing very good at this whole king thing. He 100 percent shouldn’t be going north of the Wall. Anyone can kidnap a dead guy; it doesn’t have to be you, bro. What is Arya thinking here? Why does she think that note—which is the note that Cersei forced Sansa to write to Robb—is at all legitimate? What does she think Sansa was doing? Does she think she loved the Lannisters? That she married Ramsay for political gain? This is some stupid bullshit, and I swear if it’s not resolved and Littlefinger isn’t killed in the next episode, I will scream. The writers have actively made Arya dumber just to bring some tension between her and Sansa, and I hate it.
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And finally, the East Coast Avengers are assembled, exchange some witty banter, and go on a quest to kidnap a zombie.
Sorry I talked so long, wifey. But I have feelings and they must be expressed!
Lady MWB: Where to begin? While my lord husband has done a fairly decent job of discussing the events of this episode, he’s left a few aspects behind for me to rant about. BECAUSE I TOO HAVE FEELINGS.
So first up. Cersei is “pregnant”?! I put this in quotes because this is just waaaaayyy too convenient to actually be real. I absolutely believe that she is lying to Jaime about this in order to keep him in her clutches because he keeps acting out (i.e., having his own opinions). There are other possibilities. For instance, she could just be going through menopause and in denial about that. There’s also a chance that she’s actually pregnant. But, there’s no way we’re seeing a living baby. Because, as we all know, Maggy the Frog told Cersei she’d only have three children—”gold their heads, gold their shrouds” and all that. So it’s very unlikely that, if she’s pregnant, either she or the baby will live for us to see it.
A co-worker actually posited that she could die in childbirth, thus being an interesting twist on the “Jaime has to kill Cersei” theory. Because he’d indirectly be killing her by having impregnated her with the child whose birth kills her. Lord MWB also says that if the baby were a boy, it would fit the valonqar theory because he would be the little brother to her other children. I wouldn’t be happy with this turn of events because I absolutely need Jaime to have a direct hand in her demise. But it’s still a fun thought!
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Speaking of Jaime.
Bro-bro. You can’t say to Cersei, “Hey, let’s try to see if our good ol’ brother Tyrion can help us out with this here dragon queen because we’re totally wrecked if we keep trying to fight her and her horse-warriors” and then, when said brother shows up to, indeed, help you out with that there dragon queen, be like “WHO EVEN ARE YOU? WHY ARE YOU HERE? I SHOULD SMASH YOUR FACE IN, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.”
Jaime makes so little sense that I feel like I could skip his scenes in the show and be fine. Because what is he adding beyond an increasing frustration over the fact that D&D have royally screwed up his character growth. Why is he still all-in on Cersei!? WHY?! It is so terrible. It’s like that conversation with Brienne at Riverrun made him say “Well. I was on the verge of becoming a better person because of her, but now that we can’t hang on the reg anymore, I guess I’ll just go back to being the worst. Good day!”
You disgust me.
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I also feel like I’m very upset because the original implication of everyone ending up in King’s Landing in the season finale was that it was going to be on relatively equal ground for everyone. But now it’s looking like Cersei is working on some kind of bamboozle, and I. Can’t. Deal. With. That.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE CERSEI LOOK COMPETENT, D&D. She’s garbage and just falls into situations that work in her favor . . . only for them to turn around and blow up in her face later on. STOP MAKING HER SEEM LIKE SHE HAS HER SHIT TOGETHER AS A LEADER. The only thing I will give her props for is the way she handled Ellaria Sand. That was diabolical.
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Now, I don’t need to rant about Sam because Lord MWB has said what needs to be said about how ridiculous that was. But here’s what I have to say about the news gifted to us by that scene:
Does it . . . matter?
Obviously it matters in the grand scheme of understanding just how wrong the narrative surrounding Robert’s Rebellion is. We now know for certain (well, we can IMPLY) that Rhaegar did not kidnap Lyanna but in fact they ran off together. (Which . . . Dick move taking her to Dorne, the home country of the wife you just left.) We know that, if the above is true and they were legitimately married, then Jon is a legitimate Targaryen, not *still a bastard*, and he would have a better claim than Dany.
But I ask again: Does it matter? Because think about Jon. Think about what he believes of life and what he wants out of it. Is there any active part of him that would *want* to be the true heir to the Iron Throne? Jon has never wanted to rule. He wasn’t raised for it, and when he’s stopped to think about it, he didn’t want to rule. He was content with a life at the Wall, envisioning that he would become First Ranger like his Uncle Benjen. But then he was chosen to be a steward. And not just any steward. Steward to the friggin’ Lord Commander, which is basically like saying “Hey. I see potential in you. I think you could be a leader.” When that Lord Commander died, Jon was elected to the position more or less against his will and/or wishes. He took charge of the reclaiming of Winterfell because Ramsay put that on him. He became King in the North because everyone else put that on him. Never one has he stepped forward to say “Please, put me in charge. Please, make me your leader. Please, give me power.”
Beyond that, in his heart, the Starks are his true family. He was raised by Ned. He grew up alongside Robb, Sansa, Bran, Arya, and Rickon. They are his family. They shaped who he is, how he is.
So. Would knowing his parentage change any of that? No. And I think when he finds out, much like the fact of his death and resurrection, he’s going to keep it to himself. Since I don’t think Bran will share this news around a bunch of people (unless a large group of people just decided to join them around the weirwood that Bran apparently never leaves), there’s no way for anyone to find out about this. Jon wouldn’t want to rule the Seven Kingdoms, and given his track record, he’d be forced into it if people found out who his parents were.
Which makes me wonder . . . Should Bran even tell him?
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Speaking of Jon’s death . . .
WILL HIM AND BERIC HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT BEING RESURRECTED?! Because I had that thought, and now I can’t let it go. Beric is constantly talking about dying and coming back to life, so it seems like there’s no way it’s not going to come up while Jon’s around. It’ll be at least a few minutes into the next episode before they find the White Walkers. That’s plenty of time for them to get in a quick convo about the whole “We’ve both died and come back to life” thing! Pleeeeeease! I really feel like he needs to come to better terms with that aspect of his second life, and Beric is just the guy to help him.
That’s about it, Thrones-ians. We’re concerned about where things are going for our Stark girls because Littlefinger deserves to die, and Arya should be better at the art of the bamboozle than him now. It seems like everyone with a different background is now kind of being bit in the ass by that background—Dany comes from seeing how the Dothraki respond to shows of violent strength, Arya coming from years of scraping by to survive and existing independently of the political system, Sam coming to the realization that academia should be put to action, not used to coddle people or let them stagnate. So what will come from all this?
If next week follows the usual pattern, then most of our time will be spent beyond the Wall. The preview shows us a little bit of Dany/Tyrion and a little bit of Arya/Sansa, but the majority of the focus is our Westeros Avengers/Snow-icide Squad. So we may not get resolution to a lot of the concerns raised here. But it’ll likely be a great episode either way.
May you successfully avoid being engulfed in dragon flame,
Lord and Lady MWB